


In The Past

by Zoe13



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Possible mentions of, Self Harm, Self-Harm, one direction - Freeform, past abusive relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-18
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-17 17:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 17,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2317691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trying to get over a past abusive relationship, Michael throws his journal out the window- literally. He starts trying to clean up his life and get his motivation back.</p><p>A stranger, Luke Hemmings, picks up the journal and resolves to find the owner- and maybe read a little along the way.</p><p>Calum just wants Michael happy and Ashton wants to strangle that one guy who accidentally tripped him weeks before.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Michael sat on his bed and stared at the closet, watching the shirts that were dangling precariously from the shelves. It sort of represented the entire room. More clothes, books, and just random items were scattered all over the floor. The sheets on his bed were twisted and he hadn't made his bed in days. The only empty space was a little circle around his guitar stands, where his acoustic and electric guitars sat perfectly clean and in good shape. 

He sighed and pushed himself up, hunting through the piles for his textbooks. He found his art class textbook and tossed it on the bed before hunting for his psychology textbook. 

He froze as he pulled out a book. It wasn't his textbook- it was a small worn journal with dog-eared pages and random scraps of paper tucked between them. He stared at the blue cover. 

_There were sirens wailing. The lights were blinding him through the window but he couldn't move. His chest hurt, his legs hurt, everywhere hurt..._

He shook his head to clear it. _It's in the past,_ he thought. 

 _"Shit!" Jake forgot about the two of them in his panic, turning and running out the door toward the back door of the house. Michael didn't know if he was crying from pain or self-hatred at the entire situation._  

With a cry of frustration, Michael hurled the book across the room. It sailed perfectly out the open window and he heard a thud as it hit the ground a few seconds later. After a few moments of shock he sighed and turned back to digging through the mess.

_______

"Ashton, it's been so long," Luke whined. "Aren't you ready to move on?" 

"No," Ashton pouted, kicking at a rock and watching it skitter down the sidewalk. "The dude tripped me!"

"Ashton," Luke said again in an exasperated tone, "it was two weeks ago and he was asleep! He had no idea you wouldn't see his legs sticking out."

"But my forehead is still bruised from the ground!"

"It is not. Seriously, you can't even remember what he looks like." Luke rolled his eyes.

"You only remember because you're creepy with people," Ashton said.

"I just remember what people look like," Luke said defensively. "What's that?"

His attention was suddenly diverted by an object laying in the leftover slush from winter. He crouched down to look at it and saw it was a book. 

"I think it's a journal," Ashton said, looking over Luke's shoulder. 

Luke picked it up and shook as much of the slush from it as possible. 

"I'll dry it off at my dorm and see if I can find the owner," he decided, shoving it into his bag. Ashton rolled his eyes. 

"You're just curious because you're a friggin' English major."

"Shut up." Luke stood and continued down the sidewalk, Ashton jogging to catch up. 

Luke had to admit he was extremely curious, though. 

_______

"Michael, please. Come do something with me. I haven't seen you in a while."

Michael sighed. Calum was in his dorm room practically begging him to go outside, but he really didn't want to.

"Come on. We can come back if you hate it. We don't even have to go to like, a party, or something. Let's just get coffee or dinner. The only place you ever go is class."

Michael felt a twinge of guilt. Calum had gone through a lot because of him- he at least owed him that much. 

"Okay," he said. 

"But Michael- what?" 

"Let's go get coffee. I should do something." 

"Okay." Calum looked around at the mess but he was smiling and Michael felt a bit better. "Um, here's your coat."

Michael took it and pulled it on, careful to keep his sleeves down. He followed Calum out of his room and then the building and breathed in the fresh air. 

He felt a little more positive and realized that he hadn't been outside in months. Not _really_. He'd run out without a coat and hurried from building to building for his classes but he'd not gone out to enjoy it. Calum grinned knowingly at Michael but he seemed happy and Michael just rolled his eyes as they made their way down the sidewalk toward the campus coffee shop. It was a bookstore too, and Michael resolved to take a look at some books while he was there.

Business was pretty slow when they got there and they got their coffee pretty quickly before they sat down at a table.

"How are classes?" Calum asked. 

"Difficult," Michael said. It was true. Everything felt difficult those days and he had so much trouble concentrating.

"How about the counseling?"

Michael tensed. "Not so great," he said in a clipped tone. 

Calum sighed but seemed to recognize that he should drop the subject. 

"My psychology class is a fucking drag. I wish we were in the same one."

"Yeah." Michael looked down at his coffee and swirled the cup a bit to mix it. He knew Calum looked worried without even glancing up at him.

"Look, Michael, if you don't want to say anything about it, that's fine. I'd just like to know how you're doing."

"I..." Michael blinked rapidly, trying not to cry. "I'm fine."

"Michael, you don't have to lie."

"I'm not-"

"You know," Calum interrupted, suddenly glancing down at his own coffee in his hands, "I haven't really seen you since the- the incident, and the last way I remember you is back there, back at- at home." 

"Calum..." Michael felt guilty. 

"No, Michael, it's not your fault. I'm just saying that I really want to see you more and reassure myself that you're not still on that floor all- _broken_." 

Calum set down his coffee and buried his face in his hands for a moment. Michael had known Calum for years and he knew he was trying not to cry. He seemed to be failing, however, when he pulled his hands away and looked at Michael with glassy eyes.

"I'm sorry," Michael said, and he really was. Calum shouldn't have had to find him and get him out of his problematic relationship.

"Michael, it's _not your fault._ I know  you still think it is, but it isn't. I'm glad I found you because if I hadn't that might have gone on much longer. But what I'm trying to say here is that I really want to see you more."

"I...I'll tell you what. I'll meet you here twice a week. Does that sound good?" Michael said. Calum's face lit up. 

"That would be great, yeah," he said, and Michael felt a little less guilty. 

"Okay. How about Tuesdays and Fridays?"

"I can do that if you're available at four-thirty," Calum said. 

"Sounds good," Michael said, hoping he wouldn't come to regret the decision. 

_______

Luke carefully picked up the now-dry journal and sat down on his bed with it, gently pulling the cover open. The cover and leaves were soft from use and he felt confident that they wouldn't crack and fall out. 

Much to his dismay, however, there were no names or dates. Not even a beginning date. Each entry was begun with an extra line of space and ended with a _goodbye_ or _till next time._

Hoping he could glean information on who owned the book, he decided to read the first one or two entries. 

_Dear diary,_

_So that beginning is lame as hell. So are diaries, but I've got no one to talk to. Jake doesn't want to talk about much other than him which makes sense, I suppose. I'm not exactly interesting._

_I forgot you don't know anything about me. Jake is my boyfriend..._

Luke ended up reading the first few entries with sympathy. Whoever owned the diary was obviously dating a complete douchebag. The guy seemed to never want to listen and always want to talk about himself. 

By the time he up the journal away and got his homework out, what he knew about the owner was this- that they were male, that they didn't care about themselves overly much, and that their boyfriend was a self-centered jerk. But he still had no names or even dates. 

Resolving to read more the next day, he turned to his homework.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is totally irrelevant and you can ignore it but everyone in my family has this weird vendetta against the guy I like and they don't know I like him and it makes me so upset. They just complain about him and he's like the one person who makes me happy and ugh. Sorry. I'm just so upset. I really, really like him. I saw him for like half a minute today (seriously half a minute) and even that just got me out of my depressed mood. Just a smile and wave exchange.
> 
> Anyway, here is a new chapter, I hope you enjoy. Comments are much appreciated.

Michael drummed his fingers on the table, tapping out the rhythm to different songs to amuse himself. Class got so boring at times- at least the classes that weren't directly related to art. Like psychology, which he happened to be sitting in at that moment. It was interesting half of the time and a drag the other half.

"I'm going easy on the homework this week," the professor told them. A faint cheer went up and Michael smiled slightly. "Your homework is to get on this class's message board and find the partner whose username will be emailed to you. One partner will be sent some sort of contact information for the other partner and you will spend some time getting to know them. The goal of this assignment is to get you to observe internet relationships. If you get paired with someone and know who it is, write back to us and we'll assign you a new partner." 

Michael sighed. Even online he struggled with interactions. Just because someone couldn't see his terrible face didn't mean they wouldn't see his terrible personality. 

"Class dismissed," he heard, and he immediately shoved his books into his bag and headed out of the building. It was a Friday and he needed to get to the coffee shop to meet with Calum. 

Calum was already there when he arrived and Michael quickly got coffee before sitting down opposite him. The barista gave Michael a dimply smile and Michael smiled back, hoping it wasn't too creepy.

"How was psych?" Calum asked.

"We've been assigned partners online and we have to exchange some sort of contact information." Michael groaned and pulled out his laptop.

"Ooh, I wanna see." Calum moved and slid into the seat next to Michael, leaning over his shoulder to watch. 

"Calum, they're going to think I'm an idiot," Michael said, signing into his email account.

"What's your message board username?" 

"Potterheadpunkrock," Michael mumbled. 

Calum burst out laughing. "Oh my god you're ridiculous!"

The barista grinned at them and Michael wanted to sink into the ground. He found the email and clicked on it.

"Your partner is penguinsrcute13," Calum read. "This is perfect, they're a total dork too!"

Michael scowled but had to admit he felt a bit better. There was a phone number in the email and he put it in his phone under _penguin_.

"What should I say?" He asked, trying not to panic. Calum noticed that he was being serious and refrained from any jokes. 

"Just say 'hey, I'm your partner for the psych class assignment.'"

"Does that sound too forward? I don't really want to give them my name, I don't any them to have a name to attach to all the stupid things I will inevitably say."

"You shouldn't if you don't feel comfortable with it but don't worry about saying stupid things. Everyone does and they will too." Calum leaned further over Michael's shoulder. "Just send the text."

you- _hey, I'm your partner for the psych class assignment_

penguin- _hey! Im Luke_

you- _michael_

Michael bit his lip nervously and then sent the text. 

"He seems friendly," Calum commented. Michael out his laptop in his bag and set his phone on the table so he could see it. 

"How were your classes?" He asked. 

"Half good, half bad. Psych is weird and speech is so difficult. The others range from ok to good."

"Speech should be a breeze for you," Michael frowned. "You're very charismatic."

"So are you," Calum told him. "You just need to crack that smile more often."

"I don't handle people well," Michael said, looking down at his drink. His phone buzzed and he checked it.

penguin- _what's ur mssg board name?_

you- ...

you- _potterheadpunkrock_

penguin _\- hahahaha sweet. I love punk rock and Harry Potter._

you _\- seriously? Do u play any instruments?_

penguin _\- guitar. I sing too- I love it._

you- _sweet. I play guitar too. I sing a little- I love to but I'm not that great_

penguin- _I'm sure your fantastic_

penguin- _shit i have class_

penguin- _sry do u not swear cause I can not do it_

you- _it's fine I do it too. My mom doesn't know that tho haha_

penguin- _lol ok. I'll text u later. Seeya  
_

you- _ok_

Michael set down his phone.  

"I'm gonna make an idiot out of myself," he insisted.

"Michael, you will be fine," Calum told him. "You're a dork but a lovable one."

"Is that a compliment or not? I can't tell." 

"Take it however you like," Calum grinned.

Michael grinned back, feeling a bit better than he had in months.

_______

Luke couldn't put the journal down. He'd always had trouble reading hand written pages and it took him a while to get through an entry but he was fascinated. Somehow the owner of the journal wrote about a very boring life in a very interesting way. He did school, he played guitar, he hung out with 'Cal' (maybe short for Calvin?), he spent time with his douchebag boyfriend. But he wrote very well and he had fabulous taste in music and movies. At least what he'd mentioned so far.

The ninth entry was difficult to read, however. 

_Jake hit me today. He felt so bad afterward- he cried and I had to forgive him. We all have those moments when we just burst out, right? He told me he loves me. No one has ever said that, even in a non-romantic way. My parents don't care for me and I've never had any friends other than Cal. I don't see him that often anymore, we're going to different colleges._

There was more to the entry but Luke put the journal down. He'd heard about relationships like this, he knew where it was going. Only nine entries in and he was already upset for this person. Not even at them, just for them. He knew it was easy to play on emotions, especially on those of a lonely person. 

Ashton threw the door open with a bang. 

"I'm ba-ack!" He sang loudly. He was wearing a tank top and bandana despite the frigid weather and Luke was actually surprised to see that he had a jacket with him. He always seemed to be too warm.

"How was work?" Luke asked. 

"Eh." Ashton flopped on the couch, near Luke's feet. "I like my coworkers and even the customers but it's _work_."

Luke rolled his eyes. "It's just a few hours."

"But now I have _homework_ ," Ashton whined.

"How the hell did you get into college?" Luke laughed. 

"I dunno but I'd totally drop out to be in a band," Ashton called over his shoulder as he headed toward his room. 

Luke pulled out his phone, deciding to text his psych partner.

you- _hey, done with class for the day. Wbu?_

He set his phone down and pulled out a textbook, not expecting an answer for a while. 

punknerd- _my classes go until 3:30  on fri_

you- _I have an extra four week class that's @ 4:30 but I've only got one more class in it next week_

punknerd- _ugh that's a horrible time for a class_

you- _tell me about it_

punknerd- _we should probably ask each other some questions for class_

you- _ok how about we take turns asking and answering. One for one_

punknerd- _ok. Fav color?_

you- _nice and original haha. Blue_

punknerd- _I think it actually says a lot about a person_

you- _I should probably read up on color psychology_

punknerd- _it's actually pretty interesting_

you- _ok straight, gay, bi, or other?_

punknerd- _you're being a smart ass w/ that. Bi_

you- _how?_

punknerd- _well I suppose you get to find out how tolerant I am :p_

you- _yup. I'm bi too and I don't want a partner who'll be grossed out or something stupid like that_

punknerd- _true. do u like fifa?_

you- _hell yeah_

Luke smiled at their conversation, deciding he liked his partner. He seemed interesting and he thought it would be fun to get to know him.  They ended up asking and answering questions until pretty late and Luke didn't notice the time go by.


	3. Chapter 3

"So the barista is like, super flirty," Calm said as he set his coffee down and plopped into the seat across from Michael.

penguin- _finally done w/ class for the day omg_

you- _I wonder how long we'll do this assignment for class_

penguin- _I dunno but I like it, it's fun_

Michael grinned at his phone. He felt relaxed when he wrote to his partner. _Luke_ , he reminded himself. 

"Michaaaael. Stop ignoring me!" Calum wave a hand front of Michael's face.

"Sorry," Michael said, feeling a little guilty.

"It's fine, I'm just being the jealous best friend," Calum said, sticking his tongue out at Michael. 

you- _I'll txt u later. My friend is jealous and codependent_

Michael heard someone laugh a few tables over and saw some kid with a beanie looking down and gigging. Probably some stupid cat video.

penguin- _haha ok ;)_

"What did you need?" Michael asked Calum, sliding his phone into his pocket. 

"I was just commenting that the barista is unusually flirty," Calum said. 

"You get that a lot," Michael said, stirring his drink. "Besides, I fail to see a downside. He's your type- tall with curls and dimples."

"Whatever," Calum said, sticking his tongue out at Michael again. Michael rolled his eyes. 

"Whatever to you too."

Calum smiled at him but it was less snarky and more contented. 

"What?" Michael asked. He didn't like staring.

"I'm just happy to see you looking like you're feeling a bit better," Calum told him. 

"I am feeling better," Michael said, only a little surprised to realize that he meant it. Seeing Calum more helped cheer him up and classes were going well. His parents hadn't called in a few weeks and no one had made fun of him. He hadn't even felt the urge to cut in two days. Not that Calum knew about that. 

"Good," said Calum. "Keep it that way."

_______

Luke was struggling more and more with the journal. There was no information other than the names 'Cal' and 'Jake' except many mentions of absent parents. The owner of the journal seemed so lost and confused that Luke felt like he was reading a depressing story- the only problem was that it had happened. Could still be happening. 

Ashton told him to stop reading 'whatever book he was reading' but Luke wanted desperately to find the owner and shake them. And beat up 'Jake.' And bless poor 'Cal' for his tireless efforts to help. 

He almost tore the journal when he reached an entry about three quarters of the way in. It was written in a shaky hand and there was a bit of blood dropped on the page along with what looked like tears. 

_So I'm home from the hospital. Yeah, the hospital. Jake..._

_I don't know. I suddenly didn't want to do this anymore. Cal visited and told me I was being masochistic. That this was bad for me. He said I didn't deserve any of this and he was so upset I just had to promise. Cal has to come before everyone. He's all I had since I was a kid. So I told Jake. I said I couldn't do this anymore and he cried and said he loved me but I managed to stand firm. I don't think he ever mean it anyway. Then he tried to scare me into staying and it- I don't know, it sort of opened my eyes. So he hit me. Not just once either. I'm tall but I'm not strong and- I guess I stopped caring anyway. He beat the shit out of me. My ribs hurt, my face hurt, my chest hurt... everything hurt and I couldn't breathe. I thought he was going to kill me and I sort of wished that my last memory of Cal wasn't him crying because of me._

_Anyway, Jake was screaming and yelling and he didn't really look human. And then Cal burst in. I guess he came to check up on me. It also turns out that he thought I was being verbally...abused, but he hadn't really seen that it was physical. I guess it was hard to see when both Jake and I were trying to hide it. So when Cal saw what was going on he completely flipped out. He floored Jake in one punch and then called the police. And an ambulance._

_God, I felt so stupid. I still do. I was curled up in the floor crying like a child. And Cal- he knelt by me and was crying and saying he was sorry but it wasn't his fault. It was all mine._

_Then Jake got up and tried to fight Cal but Cal was so mad- he just kept knocking him down. Jakes face was covered in blood when we finally heard sirens. Then he tried to run but Cal tackled him to the ground._

_So I ended up in the hospital for a week. One of my ribs pierced my left lung and I almost died. I wish I had. Every time I see Cal I see all of his guilt and I know it's my fault. My face is still bruised and cut and he can't look at me without his eyes getting glassy. I hate it. Cal's always done so much for me and I've never repaid him with anything but trouble. Jake's going to court but the police got a statement from me already. I don't have to appear but Cal does. So that's my status right now- I'm bandaged and stitched together physically. I'm guilty. I'm depressed. I'm angry but only at myself. I've started cutting. It's odd not having pain every day and I'm too used to it._

_My parents called and said they love me and that they hoped I'd get better soon. They're still in London, though. Sometimes I want to hate them but I can only hate myself._

_Calum is switching colleges to be at the same one I'm at. I don't know what I did to deserve him as a friend._

Ashton walked in the door as Luke read the last sentence and stopped in the doorway, staring at him. 

"Luke, are you okay? What's wrong?" He asked anxiously. 

"I'm fine," Luke said in a hoarse voice. 

"Dude, you're crying."

"I am?" Luke felt his face and realized that he was. 

"Whatever book you're reading, it doesn't seem like it will end well," Ashton advised, sitting on the couch and untying his shoes. 

Luke held up the journal helplessly. "I want to find him," he said. "He needs so much help and he's ones those closed off people!"

"Is that the journal you picked up?"

"Yeah." Luke dropped it into his lap and ran a hand through his hair. "I wish it _was_ just a book. It's hard knowing that someone here on campus is going through all of this shit."

"What happened?" Ashton asked. He peered over at the book.

"His boyfriend beat him up. Then he tried to break up with him and he almost killed him."

"Look, Luke, I know it's shitty, but youll find out who it is. I'm sure he's doing better now if he ditched the journal anyway."

"What if he's dead?" Luke whispered. "He thought about it."

"We would have see it in the campus paper if someone had committed suicide," Ashton said logically.

"Neither of us reads the paper!" Luke cried hysterically.

"Oh."

"I'm going to find all the copies I can as far back as possible," Luke said determinedly. 

_______

Cal- _some dude is going around asking for old copies of the campus paper, do u have any?_

you- _no_

Michael sighed and sat down on his bed. Wednesdays were difficult because he had no classes and was left to his own thoughts. He'd done his homework already. His fingers were sore from practicing guitar and he didn't feel like video game for once. 

Then his phone rang and he almost cried at the caller ID.

"Hey dad," he said, laying on his back and sighing inwardly.

" _Good afternoon_ ," his dad said stiffly. " _How are classes?_ " 

"They're fine."

" _How are your grades?_ " 

"They're fine."

" _Really? Because we looked at last semester's grades and you got a B in that math class we barely talked you into doing._ "

His dad sounded absolutely pissed and Michael swore colorfully in his head. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm not good at math. I'm not logically wired and I struggle with it. All I can say is that I do my best."

" _A B is your best?" his dad huffed into the phone. "Because I was hoping you would say you'd half assed it so I'd know I didn't have a complete **idiot** for a son_." 

Michael couldn't keep the tears from welling up in his eyes but he managed to keep the shakiness out of his voice. 

"I'm sorry. I did my best."

" _That's what's pissing me off! We get you to take one practical class and you absolutely flunk it! But guess what? You're getting A's on your art shit. Don't forget I'm funding this!_ "

"You funded the math class. The rest I got on a scholarship. Don't you remember?"

" _I try to forget everything that has to do with your art. It's embarrassing_."

"I'm sorry, I did my best," Michael repeated, a bit of shakiness entering his voice. "I- I need to go." 

He ended the call before his dad could say anything else and stumbled off to the bathroom. He needed to cut again. 


	4. Chapter 4

_"His heart stopped! Get the paddles!"_

_3...2...1..._

_Michael jerked from the rush of electricity. Breath rushed back into his lungs and it hurt. It caught strangely and he felt agonizing pain in his left side as he cried out, white flashes hitting him. People were yelling to each other and working frantically. Someone was crying, probably Calum, and the paramedic looking down at Michael anxiously was near tears too. Michael must look pathetic, lying beaten on the floor._

_"Michael, please be okay," Calum cried. He was on Michael's right, clutching his hand and watching with a terrified expression on his face. Michael slowly turned his head to look at him._

Splat _._ The paint hit the canvas, streaking a bright green from the top left corner to the bottom right. Michael wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, feeling the cold sweat that was trickling down his forehead. He tried to fight down the memories and turned back to his painting.

He stepped back, wiping his hands on a cloth and cocking his head to the right to examine the color. Satisfied, he then set the brush in the jar of water next to the easel and selected a smaller one, using it to mix up a rusty orange.

His phone buzzed on his bed and he wiped his hands again before going over to it.

penguin- _sup?_

you- _painting_

penguin- _ur an art major? That's awesome!!_

you- _yeah. That and guitar is all I can do_

penguin- _I play guitar too! I'm an English major_

you- _I'd never guess by your texts_

penguin- _haha hey be nice. I have to take a break from all the flowery speech sometimes._

you- _do you ever write songs?_

penguin- _sometimes. I love to. How about u?_

you- _all the time. Well, whenever I have time. Mostly on Wednesdays when I don't have class and when I'm not painting_

penguin- _that's awesome_

penguin- _oh right painting. I'll let u get back to that and txt u later_

you- _haha ok ttyl_

penguin- _have fun_

you- _thanks_

Michael set his phone down and realized he was smiling widely. Shaking his head, he turned back to his easel and picked up the paint and brush. 

He felt peaceful as he gently set the brush to the canvas.

_______

"Remember my partner for psych class?" Luke asked Ashton.

"How could I forget," Ashton groaned, though he was glad that Luke hadn't mentioned the journal in a little while. 

"Well his name is Michael. And he's an art major! Isn't that awesome?"

"You have my blessing," Ashton said dryly. "As long as he isn't that dude who tripped me."

"For fuck's sake, Ash!" Luke flopped onto his bed and groaned. "The dude was asleep!"

"I need to get to work," Ashton sniffed disdainfully before sweeping out of the room. 

Luke sighed and pulled out the blue journal.

_Mum and dad hate the degree in getting, even though I'm getting a full ride scholarship. They're trying to talk me into attempting a math class, but numbers just make me cross-eyed. I'll probably do it just to get some peace._

_Calum claims that he prefers this college to the last one but I don't know whether or not to believe him. I haven't really seen him a whole lot. I don't go outside much. I keep thinking I see Jake and I feel a panic attack or something coming on. It's awful. I know I'm pathetic.._

_________

"Can I actually get a hot chocolate today?" Michael asked the barista. 

"I love got chocolate!" the barista said enthusiastically, flashing his large dimples. 

Calum came up beside Michael and bumped him gently.

"Can I have a mocha latte?" 

"Sure," the barista grinned. His curls bounced as he tapped his foot and rang up the order, humming to himself. "Oh! I'm Harry, by the way."

"I'm Calum and this is Michael," Calum introduced them. Harry's grin widened.

"Is he flirting with customers again?" Michael heard someone in the back ask. 

"That's my boyfriend Louis," Harry told them. 

"Harry! Stop flirting and help with the orders if you're bored!" Someone yelled out to him. 

"That's my friend Ashton."

"Sounds like a charmer," Calum said.

"That's why we keep him in the back," Harry said, nodding as if he was agreeing with himself.

"We can hear you, Harold!" Louis called. 

A boy came out with their drinks and set them on the counter. He was tall, like Harry, and also like Harry he had curly hair and large dimples.

"That's the latte, that's the cocoa," he said, pointing at them. 

"Are you from Sydney?" Calum asked curiously. 

"Yup. Right in- you!" He cut himself off as he looked up and stared at Calum. "You're the bloke that tripped me!"

Calum flushed red. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry about that. I've been embarrassed about it for weeks."

Ashton had seemed annoyed but he looked mollified at that. "It's alright," he brushed it off. "Enjoy your drinks!"

Michael dragged Calum away to a table and grinned deviously at him.

"Shut up," Calum whined.

"I didn't say a word," Michael told him. 

_______

"So I found the guy who tripped me," Ashton started with the second he walked in the door. 

"Oh my god, what did you do?" Luke demanded. 

"I embarrassed myself, that's what. The dude is fucking hot!"

"He's- what?" Luke was taken aback.

"He's like really hot but also adorable and he got all embarrassed when I recognized him and oh my gosh I can never go back or I'll embarrass myself again."

"You're such a drama queen," Luke said, and then texted that to Michael. 

punknerd- _hahaha_

you- _I really should change your contact name_

punknerd- _what is it?_

you- _punknerd_

punknerd- _oh my god_

punknerd- _you're penguin in my phone but I think I'll change it to Luke_

you- _but I love penguins_

punknerd- _somehow I guessed that_

punknerd- _but I keep forgetting your name so I have to change it :p_

you- _ok I'll make you Michael_

"How's the boyfriend?" Ashton asked in an amused tone.

"Fine," said Luke as he typed furiously. "Wait. What?!"

"Dude, you've been texting him nonstop for several weeks. You always get really happy when you're texting him and you do that stupid smile at your phone for like, ten minutes after you've finished your conversation."

"Whatever." Luke stuck his tongue out at Ashton who returned the favor before going to flop on his own bed. 

He couldn't help but wonder, though. Did he really like Michael? He'd never even seen him, but did he really have to?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some reason Michael with OCD happens every time I write. Aaaaagh it just fits, which is really sad.  
> TRIGGER WARNING- There is some self harm in this chapter

The OCD was back. Before, Michael had finally gotten distracted and angry about it enough that he'd just piled his clothes everywhere. If it was _really_ messy he didn't get the urges. But his mom had dropped by while on a business trip and they'd argued and he just had to do _something_. 

The bedroom and bathroom were spotless. He was exhausted, sprawled on his bed and smelling of chemicals, and he still didn't feel better. Sighing, he stood and headed to the bathroom, flipping open the medicine cabinet and pulling out his razor. Pulling his sleeve up, he made a few cuts over the sink, a few drops of blood sliding down the rim of the porcelain bowl. 

Was he doing the right thing? Art wasn't really practical. He knew he was okay at it but he preferred music and neither would pay well unless he was famous. Which- well. His dad got cold angry and that hurt but his mom was _disappointed_. She gave him those sad looks and expressed her worry and it was so psychologically messed up. It was almost like dealing with Jake again. 

His phone buzzed and he set the razor down, dabbing at the blood so it wouldn't drip before he picked up the phone.

Luke- _hey what's up_

you- _nothing_

Luke- _did you get the email from our psych professor?_

you- _not yet, I was busy. What did it say?_

Luke- _we're supposed to make phone calls now but not meet each other yet. Something about reading someone just by their voice_

Michael stared at his phone, unsure as to how he should feel. He knew their professor would eventually want them to meet but he loved wriyingnto Luke. He didn't want Luke to meet him and think he was obnoxious and never speak to him again.

you- _cool. When?_

Luke- _is in half an hour okay? I should wrap up homework_

you- _yeah. Can you just call me when you're ready so I don't bother you?_

Luke- _yup ttyl_

Michael set his phone down and stared at the razor. It suddenly didn't seem as appealing and he washed up and put it away.

_______

Luke looked at the number in his contacts and bit his lip. He really liked Michael and was worried he'd talk too much and be annoying. God, he was pathetic. He'd never even heard the guy's voice and he was freakin out because he enjoyed talking to him so much. 

He accidentally hit the call button and dropped the phone, swearing colorfully.

"You okay?" Ashton called.

"Yeah!" Luke hurriedly picked up the phone and sat on his bed.

" _Luke?_ " someone said on the other side and a warm feeling rushed over Luke. He frowned and shook it off.

"Yeah," he said. "Hi Michael."

Michael giggled over the phone and Luke realized he sounded as adorable as his texts. 

Not adorable. Just...oh, fuck it, he sounded absolutely adorable, even though his voice was a bit lower. 

"Did I bother you?" he asked anxiously, biting his lip. 

" _Oh, no I was- I was actually just waiting around for you to call_." Michael sounded embarrassed and Luke laughed.

"That bored, huh."

" _No, I just enjoy our conversations._ "

That made Luke smile and he mentally slapped himself at the warm feeling his stomach. What if Michael was some creep who was going to kidnap him and sell him to aliens?

 _An adorable sounding creep_ , _then_ , he thought, and wow- thank you, brain.

"Well," he said finally, "I enjoy them too."

Michael exhaled. " _Good, so I'm not, like, being creepy_."

Luke couldn't stop the giggles that burst out of him and Michael started giggling too.

"Pretty sure we're both just creepy," he said, and Michael giggled one more time.

" _True. Though one of my friends once told a girl he was a photography major so he could take pictures of her_."

"Oh my god," Luke was giggling again and his face ached. "I can't decide if that's the worst or best idea I've ever heard."

" _Let's just say it didn't end well_ ," Michael said, and Luke could hear the smile. " _He says he's more into guys now._ "

"My roommate gave up on girls for a bit because he kept asking lesbians out by accident," Luke said, and he heard Ashton thump the wall with a "hey, stop spreading gossip!"

" _That must have been hard to go through_ ," Michael said, sounding amused. " _What about you?_ " 

Luke shrugged and then realized Michael couldn't see him. Duh. "I like girls and guys equally but I'm currently single and content with it."

" _Uhm, same here_ ," Michael said. Something in his voice told Luke there was more to it, but he knew not to push. 

"Singl Pringles for the win!" Luke said instead, and Michael burst into giggles again.

By the time they had to end the call, Luke decided he much preferred calling to the texting.

_______

After Michael and Calum met Ashton at the coffee shop, he always seemed to be working up front. 

"Haz and Lou are in the back snogging, is why," Ashton said in an amused tone when Michael commented on it. 

"They're kind of cute," Calum admitted and he blushed when Ashton laughed. Michael rolled his eyes but refrained from commenting.

"Your coffees make take a little extra time if I have to make them alone," Ashton said apologetically. "If you go sit down I'll bring them to you."

"Sounds great," Michael said, and they went and sat down.

Cal kept sneaking glances at the counter and Michael rolled his eyes.

"Not subtle, mate," he commented.  Calum stick his tongue out at him and he flipped him off.

"Can we ask him to sit with us when he gets off? Pleaaase? He told me get gets off shortly after we get our coffee in Fridays." Calum looked at him pleadingly and Michael laughed. 

"Okay."

"So how was your phonecall?" 

"It was really fun," Michael said. "He's really funny."

"I'm glad you're making other friends," Calum said seriously. 

"I think our professor will want us to eventually meet up, though, and I'm worried I'll just be too weird for him," Michael confessed. "I have fun talking to him and I don't want to lose that." 

"Michael, the weirdest thing about you is your brain and he's already heard what you think a lot. Seeing you shouldn't change that at all."

"I suppose."

"What's up, lads?" Ashton set their  drinks in front of them.

"Do you want to sit with us?" Michael asked, knowing Calum would chicken out.

"Sure! I just finished my shift." Ashton slid into the seat next to Calum and beamed at Michael.

"We were talking about Michael's psych partner," Calum told Ashton. 

"Oh! My roommate is doing that contact project or whatever. I'm not supposed to say his name, though, in case I meet his partner. He won't tell me his partner's name either."

"How does he like the project?" Michael asked.

"He gets nervous about contacting his partner but I think that's cause he already has a weency crush on him." Ashton laughed. "He gets so excited whenever they talk."

They talked with Ashton for a long while and as funny as it was to see Calum so enamored, Michael also enjoyed talking to Ashton and was sad when they had to leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Favorite 5sos song[s]...GO!!  
> My top ones are Voodoo Doll, Reject, and Wrapped Around Your Finger. I love Social Casualty too. Though if I keep doing that I'll just name every one of their songs. So yeah. Those are my top three.


	6. Chapter 6

Class was nearly finished and Luke's attention drifted as he thought about what he and Michael would talk about later that day. They called each other once a day and texted in between and Luke felt like he knew a lot about Michael.

He didn't know nearly everything, though. Michael always seemed to close off when relationships of any sort were mentioned and while Luke didn't push it, he wanted to know, to understand. His parents were also seemingly taboo, but Luke figured that it was a more straightforward problem of them not wanting to be around.

The psych teacher was discussing their homework but Luke spaced out again. He had a syllabus and could figure it out later. His eyes swept around the room and landed on different people. There was a fit guy sitting off to the right who was doodling something complicated in his notebook. The guy sitting with him was pretty fit too, with blonde hair and light skin. Speaking of light skin, Luke noticed someone sitting near the front of the classroom with quite pale arms. He couldn't see his face but his hair was a bright shade of green that Luke sort of liked.

He started wondering what you could discover abut someone psychologically by the fact that they dyed their hair, but then they were dismissed and he had to get up.

He wondered who Michael was. He was excited to meet him eventually and see him face to face. He checked his phone for any texts while he exited the building and made his way down the sidewalk.

Michael- _call u later?_

you- _yeah! ;)_

Luke smiled widely. He was looking forward to their conversation.

_______

"Dude, ask him out!" Michael hissed at Calum. They were staring quite blatantly at Ashton while some hipster tried to hit on him. Michael supposed that maybe Ashton seemed like a hipster at first with his Nirvana t shirt and the bandana tied around his head. "Someone's gonna get to him first! Like...that dude over there."

"It's difficult, okay?" Calum hissed back. "I don't think I've ever felt this strongly for someone. I'm way too invested in this!"

Michael rolled his eyes. "Come on." He pulled Calum to his feet and dragged his protesting friend over to the counter. The guy there gave them a strange look and left with his coffee. Michael shoved Calum toward Ashton. 

"Hey!" Ashton greeted. "My shift is almost over, did you guys want to hang out?" 

Calum shifted his feet nervously and Michael rolled his eyes again, though he was smiling a bit fondly.

"Oh look at that! Half a minute to go." Ashton pulled off the apron he had to wear and set it aside. "Okay, I'm done."

He came around the counter and beamed at them. Calum's hands were sweating, Michael noted as the boy wiped them on his jeans.

"Um, actually, Ash, I was wondering if you'd like to- to get dinner."

Ashton's dimples deepened. "Sure! Where do you two like eating? Probably some pizza place for you, Michael."

For a moment Calum looked like he wanted to cry in frustration. "No, I meant...as in you and me."

"Yeah...?" Ashton looked lost. 

"Without Michael."

"Aw, are you busy?" Ashton asked Michael. 

"Oh my god," Calum whined before suddenly grabbing Ashton's face and kissing him violently. Ashton flailed for a moment before wrapping his arms around Calum's neck and Michael suddenly felt a little awkward.

"Aw! Lou, look! Cal and Ash are snogging!" Harry peered over the tall part of the counter at them. Louis stuck his head over too and waved at the pair as they separated.

"Oh!" Ashton said finally. "You want to go on a date."

Calum let out a fond laugh that reminded Michael of how Luke had laughed the day before when Michael had told him about something ridiculous he'd done. 

"Yes, a date," Calum said, and he didn't sound nervous anymore.

"Well what are we waiting for, then!" Ashton dragged Calum out excitedly and Michael sighed. 

His phone rang while he was out on the sidewalk and he answered, picking at the frayed sleeve on his large sweater.

" _Hey Michael!_ " Luke greeted excitedly. A smile made it's way into Michael's face and he walked with a bit of a skip, though he didn't notice.

"What's up?" He asked. 

" _Homewoooork_ ," Luke whined. " _My roommate is out at work and I'm all alooooone._ "

"I see how it is," Michael teased, "I only get called when you're bored out of your mind."

" _Hey!_ " Luke protested. " _That's not true. I was waiting to call you until you'd had a bit of time after psych class_."

"Thanks. I was getting coffee with a friend." Michael made his way into his dorm room and flopped onto his bed, dropping his backpack onto the floor. 

 " _But I thought I was your only friend_ ," Luke gasped dramatically. 

Michael laughed. "You may be now. My other friend finally sucked it up and asked out the dude he's been pining after. I get the feeling that I'm not gonna see them for a while."

" _Ugh. My roommate keeps talking about this guy he met and I wish he'd suck it up too. At this point I'd rather he was happy but not around than pining and romantic. I haven even met the guy_."

"I guess that's true," Michael said. "I'll get some peace and quiet."

" _I'm really sorry but my roommate has been texting me nonstop. Can I hang up and answer real quick? I'll call you back right after, I'm just gonna tell him to message me on Facebook or something so I can talk to you on the phone_."

"Don't worry about it, you're fine." Michael got to his feet. "I'll get a drink while you're doing that."

" _Okay, seeya in a sec_." 

Michael chucked his phone onto the bed and left but returned quickly with a drink. It was only a few minutes before his phone rang. 

"Hey," he said. 

" _Where was your friend when he finally asked that dude out?_ " Luke asked breathlessly. Michael was taken aback.

"Um, the coffee shop. He asked him right after he got off of his shift."

" _Oh my god_ ," Luke giggled. " _He asked out my roommate_."

"Ashton's your _roommate_?" Michael asked incredulously. "Just how small is this college?" 

" _Smaller than I thought, I guess. Don't tell me your friend's name cause I might figure out who you are before I'm supposed to_."

"Okay," Michael agreed.

" _Now I'm even more excited to meet you!_ " 

"You're excited to meet me?" Michael was surprised again.

" _Of course, you weirdo. I'm absolutely dying to. Sorry, that's kind of weird._ " Luke sounded embarrassed and Michael felt himself smiling.

"That's- that's really sweet of you, Luke. There's not really anything exciting about me."

" _Michael, you are, like, the coolest person I've ever met_." 

Michael felt a bit of heat in his cheeks and felt a twinge of panic. He was just flushed because it was very nice of Luke. He didn't _like_ him or anything like that. That would be- that would be a really bad idea. 

"I'm excited to meet you too," he said before he could stop himself. "And you're pretty damn cool yourself."

_______

"Tell me what he's like! Wait- no, don't! Don't tell me anything!" 

Luke covered his ears and Ashton rolled his eyes. 

"Mate, you've got it really bad," he told Luke.

Luke blushed. "I do not! Just because you have a boyfriend now doesn't mean you're the love expert!" 

"I didn't say anything about _love_ ," Ashtin giggled. "But if that's how you feel..."

" _No_ ," Luke snapped at him. "And you can't tell me your boyfriend's name until I've met Michael."

"Somebody's grouchy," Ashton made a face at Luke. "Have you been reading that journal again?" It made you really moody."

"Only a couple of entries," Luke mumbled. "It ends on such a sad and hopeless note that I feel like I absolutely _have_ to find whoever wrote it."

"Maybe Michael or- my boyfriend knows who it belongs to."

"They might. But don't ask! I might figure out who Michael is!" 

Ashton put up his hands defensively. "Alright, alright. We can ask after you meet him."

Luke nodded and rolled over, flipping the blue journal open to a random entry.


	7. Chapter 7

When Luke started re-reading the  journal from the beginning, Ashton confiscated it.

"Go call Michael, you depression-addicted bastard," he said cheerfully as he took it away. He knew Luke didn't dare go in to his hell of a bedroom for fear of breaking an ankle. 

"But I have to find them!" Luke whined. 

"Call Michael!" Ashton yelled again before slamming his door.

"Well isn't _somebody_ feeling all-important cause they've got a boyfriend," Luke bit out, dialing Michael's phone. He had him in his contacts but he'd memorized the number.

" _Hey Luke_ ," Michael's voice came over the phone.

"Hey," Luke said despondently. 

"What's wrong?"

"Ashton confiscated my book," Luke whined, avoiding the word _journal_ because it would be embarrassing to admit that he was reading someone else's diary. 

Michael laughed into the phone. " _What am I supposed to do about it?_ " He asked.

"Slap him the next time you see him," Luke suggested.

" _I'll strongly consider it_ ," Michael said seriously. Well, sort of seriously. " _Shit_."

"What?" 

" _Sorry- painting right now_."

"Oh fuck, sorry. I didn't meant to interrupt anything-"

" _Hey_." Michael sounded amused. " _It's okay. It's not for class, I'm just messing around. It's nearly finished anyway_."

"Oh, okay." Luke rolled over to lay on his stomach. "Tomorrow is our last psych class before winter break, right?"

" _Yup_ ," Michael said, adding a pop on the _p_.

Luke thought back for a moment to make sure he'd finished his paper. A lot of his papers had had to be about Michael because of the project, and he'd had to write a summary of what he thought Michael's personality was. 

"Okay, cool. What are you painting?"

" _Music_ ," Michael said.

"Oh. Like music notes?" 

" _No, though I've done those before. I'm painting what I think music would look like if you could see it_."

"I'd like to see it," Luke told him. "It sounds like you really love art."

" _I'll show you sometime_ ," Michael promised. " _And I do love it; the only thing I love more is music_."

"Well I'm gonna have to hear your music sometime too, then."

" _I'm not so sure you'll want to,_ " Michael laughed.

"Hey, that's not fair. I'll make you," Luke threatened. 

Michael giggled, an actual giggle. " _I'll make you play for me, then_."

"This conversation has taken an odd turn," Luke laughed. 

"HI MICHAEL!" Ashton burst into the room and Luke sighed before setting his phone to speakerphone. Ashton flopped into his bed next to him.

" _Hi Ashton_ ," Michael laughed. 

"We need a nickname for my boyfriend," Ashton said. "A code-name."

" _Kiwi_ ," Michael said immediately.

"But he's Scottish too!"

" _Yeah, but it's the part that throws people off and makes them think he's Asian_."

"Oh. True."

"So what's...'Kiwi' like?" Luke asked, and Ashton and Michael launched into a long description of Ashton's boyfriend.

_______

Michael's hands were shaking as he fumbled with the door handle, and when it finally opened, he collapsed to the bathroom floor, panting. 

He'd had panic attacks before. They happened when things piled up and he started to stress, and they were definitely piling up now. They had finals before Christmas break, loads of homework, Calum was so busy he couldn't see Michael as much, Michael's dad had called, and he was supposed to meet Luke before or during Christmas break.

He was supposed to meet Luke. 

He fought to breathe, pulling himself upright and leaning his head between his knees. He managed to breathe a bit better, but his hands were still shaking. He gave up and stood, stumbling to the medicine cabinet for his razor, knocking a few things down by accident.

His phone rang and he answered it without meaning to.

" _Hey Michael!_ " Luke called cheerfully into the phone. " _Is this a bad time?_ " 

Michaels hands stilled and he breathed a sigh of relief. "No," he said, fighting the shakiness out of his voice. "This is a great time."

" _Great!_ " Luke said, and Michael could _hear_ his smile. " _So you got the homework?_ "

"Um, yeah."

" _Hey_ ," Luke sounded concerned. " _If there's a single reason you don't want to meet, we don't have to. I can tell our professor-_ "

"I want to meet you," Michael said, and it was true. He was just really fucking nervous.

" _Well, I'm staying over Christmas break, so we can meet whenever_."

"Do you want to meet at the coffee shop?" Michael asked. 

" _Sure. Hey, are you okay?_ " 

"Yeah; why?"

" _You just sound kind of shaky right now,_ " Luke said. 

"I'm fine. I'll text you times we could meet up and you text back a time that's good for you, then? Cause I'll have to check my calendar."

" _Yeah, that sounds good,_ " Luke said. " _I need to wrap up homework so I won't forget it. I'll see you later?_ "

"Yeah," said Michael, and then he hung up.

_______

"I passed all my finals!" Calum cheered, sitting down across from Michael and holding out a hand to be highfived. "Have you gotten your grades sent in yet?" 

Michael absently highfived him.

"Yeah, I passed everything too, fortunately."

"When are you meeting Luke?" 

Michael leaned back against the chair he was in and sighed. "Tomorrow afternoon."

His hands were shaking again and he put them in his lap.

"It will be fine, Michael."

"I like him, Cal," Michael sighed. "I really like him."

He set his shaking hands on the table and Calum's eyebrows furrowed. 

"Does it scare you?" he asked quietly, covering Michael's shaking hands with his own. Michael felt comforted at the touch but his hands didn't stop shaking. 

"I'm terrified," he admitted quietly. "My dad keeps calling too. I think- I think the OCD is back."

He didn't know why he was suddenly admitting all of that to Calum, and he clamped his mouth shut before he could say anything about the razor in his cabinet. Calum had never known about _that_.

"I had noticed," Calum sighed. "I don't think it's as bad."

"It's not," Michael said hurriedly. "I think I'll be fine."

Ashton slid into the seat nex to Calum and pecked him on the cheek.

"Hey Michael, hey babe."

"How is Luke?" Calum asked. 

"Freaking out," Ashton confided. "I left for work a few minutes late because he was asking what he should wear tomorrow when he meets Michael.

"Is he scared to meet me? Michael asked, feeling a bit hurt.

"Not like that. He told me he just really wants to get to know you better and he's scared you'll think he's a dork."

Calum gave Michael a look that screamed 'see?' and Michael _did_ feel a bit better. 

He pulled out his phone and texted Luke.

you- _tomorrow is gonna be fun_

Luke- _yeah!_

you- _if you promise not to stress then I promise not to stress_

Luke- ...

Luke- _ok_


	8. Chapter 8

Michael shoved his shaking hands in his pockets as he headed to the counter to get coffee. He deliberately looked away from the people seated in the shop, worried he'd assume that the wrong person was Luke.

Ashton grinned at him.

"Nervous?" He asked, teasing but still kind, like Michael could say _yes_ and he'd hug him or tell him it would be alright. 

Michael opted for a shrug and ordered his coffee, shuffling his feet and looking out the window. He was wearing his Blink shirt (one of them) since it was something they had in common, and he found himself fingering the frayed ends of it nervously. He was wearing a black jacket, though, the sleeves reaching his knuckles to keep his wrists from sight. 

Ashton handed him his coffee with an encouraging wink, and Michael pulled his phone out. He felt ridiculous, being so nervous. He was like a highschooler on their first date, for crying out loud, sweaty palms, mirror checks, the whole routine.

you- _are you at the coffeeshop yet_

Luke- _yeah, last table by the window_

Michael's head whipped up to look.

It was like a damn movie. The last table was under a light beam of sunlight shining through the window, but the boy sitting there was more breathtaking. He was blond, his hair in a high quiff, and from where he was Michael could tell his skin was smooth. He couldn't see his eye color but they seemed bright, and Michael knew he was in deep shit in that moment. 

He made his way over tentatively, feeling more self-conscious than he ever had in his life, even when he'd been bleeding on the floor- no, he couldn't go there. Not right now. 

He slid into the seat across from Luke and set his bag down. Luke's head jerked up and the boy just stared for a moment, eyes wide. Michael felt a flush spreading over his cheeks.

"Hey," he said quietly, and a grin slowly spread over Luke's face until he was absolutely beaming. 

"Hi!" he said excitedly. "Damn, I love your hair." 

Michael stared blankly at him for a moment. Luke had a fucking lip ring and it was very distracting.

"Oh! Um, thanks." He looked down at his hand in his lap, feeling very awkward. He picked up his coffee and laughed as he saw the note Ashton had written on the side.

"What does it say?" Luke asked when he noticed Michael reading it. Michael turned the cup so he could see.

_Just smile and it will be okay_

"Ashton must have written it," Michael said, smiling.

"I guess he knows your smile, then," Luke said.

"What?"

"Well, I don't know for sure yet, but it seems like it might make everything okay," Luke said, and Michael stared at him for a moment before looking down at his cup. Luke was blushing too.

"Well, I like your lip ring," Michael said, gesturing toward his own mouth. Luke grinned.

"Thanks. I'll have to tell my mum."

"Why?" Michael asked, confused.

Luke turned bright red. "I may or may not have mentioned you to her before and she may or may not have decided you sound like someone she wants to know."

Michael blinked. Then he blinked again.

Then he burst out laughing.

"I was so nervous!" He explained through giggles when Luke looked at him oddly. "I thought I was gonna embarrass myself? I don't know, sorry, you didn't do anything wrong. It was a tension relief I needed."

Luke grinned again and seemed more relaxed. "I'm serious about the wanting to meet you thing, though. Sorry about that." He looked sheepish, and Michael got the feeling that his mother was a persistent woman.

"It's fine," he told Luke. "I'm not so immature that I can't talk to adults."

"Well she's visiting for a few days around Christmas, so don't tell me where you live, because she'll torture it out of me and then come find you. And give you cookies."

Michael laughed and startled himself with it. He'd expected to be extremely nervous, but he was already relaxing and enjoying himself. 

_______

Luke caught himself staring as Michael talked incessantly. It wasn't fair that he'd come to like Michael's personality almost too much only to find that he was gorgeous too. Especially right now, as he was talking about when he first started playing guitar. His green eyes were full of fire and his cheeks were flushed with excitement. 

Luke forced himself to nod, shutting his slightly open mouth and laughing inwardly at himself. He'd felt so embarrassed when he'd mentioned his mom, but it had definitely loosened Michael up, because the other boy had gone from tense and shy looking to loose and talking a mile a minute. 

"Hello in there," someone said, rapping their knuckles on Luke's head. Michael stopped talking. 

"Hey Ashton," he greeted, and Luke noticed with a start that it was dark outside.

"Sorry to break up this party," Ashton said with a grin, "but we're closing."

Luke laughed as Michael looked out the window in shock. 

"Sorry," he told Luke. "I don't think I really let you talk."

"He'll make up for it when we get to the dorms. He already talks about you constantly. Ow!"

Ashton bent down and rubbed his shin with a chagrined look. 

"When do you want to meet up next?" Luke asked. 

"How about at two tomorrow?" 

"Perfect," Luke said, standing. "Same spot, then, if it's available?"

"Sure. If it's not, at least we'll know each other by sight." Michael found himself laughing again and Ashton rolled his eyes behind Luke's back. Michael frowned at him. 

"It was nice meeting you in person," Luke said softly, and Ashton wandered away whistling innocently and stopped by the door to wait for Luke.

"You too," Michael said. "I'm glad we got paired up for this."

He hoped that wasn't too weird, didn't want Luke to think he was clingy or anything, but then Luke pulled him in for a hug and wow, Luke was tall and warm and Michael wanted to hug him forever. But he couldn't, so he settled for wrapping his arms around Luke for a moment before Luke said goodbye once more and ran after Ashton. 

Calum was so going to hear every detail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter didn't seem too boring! There will definitely be more excitement coming- and feel free to give suggestions! ;)


	9. Chapter 9

Luke- _my mum showed up early and wants to come with me to meet u sry_

you- _that's ok_

Luke- _seriously I'm sorry. She's awesome but I didnt want to spring it on you_

you- _its really alright. She sounds cool_

Luke- _ok that's a weight off my back ;)_

Michael rolled his eyes and turned his phone off, setting it on the table in front of him. He was already at the coffee shop, working on some sketches for an art show he was supposed to enter. He had to have a sketch, a black and white painting, and a color painting. One painting had to be watercolor and the other had to be on a canvas, but he could do any subject or style he liked. 

The only problem was that Michael generally only worked with black and white. He'd only been able to do two color paintings that he didn't want to burn. One several years ago and one a few weeks before. He was a little stressed. 

He put away his sketchbook when he saw Luke enter the coffee shop with a woman Michael assumed was his mother. She looked a little like him, at least from what Michael could see.

Michael suddenly felt self-conscious, especially of his colored hair. He tried to smooth the craziness of it down a bit and awkwardly set his hands in his lap. 

"Hey, Michael!" Luke set his coffee on the table and plopped into the seat across from Michael. "This is my mum, Liz Hemmings."

His mother held a hand out and shook Michael's firmly. 

"I'm Michael," he said awkwardly. "It's nice to meet you."

"You too!" She smiled warmly, sitting in the third chair. "Luke talks about you a lot and I thought I should meet you."

"He mention you sometimes too," Michael told her. Luke beamed.

"Michael's an art major!"  He informed his mother enthusiastically.

"What sort of art do you do?" She asked Michael.

"I sort of do all kinds. Realism and modern, sketching and painting. I love it all."

"Are you any good?" Liz asked, and there was a mischievous twinkle in her eyes that reminded Michael of Luke. 

"I'd like to think so, but it's hard to when you're surrounded by art majors."

"He's got an art scholarship," Luke stage-whispered. 

"I'd love to see some of your art sometime, if you're fine with that," she said to Michael. "And I'm sure your parents are proud."

Michael flinched, blinking rapidly. He half nodded to deflect the words, and Luke picked up on it.

"I feel like every time I call him he's working on art," he teased lightly. "Or he's playing guitar."

"Probably not a scientific person, then," Liz smiled. 

"No, not really," Michael said absently. 

The topic slowly turned to music and eventually Luke and Michael got into a passionate discussion. Liz seemed to be enjoying herself, though, if her mysterious smile was anything to go by. She hugged Michael when she left and told him he would have to visit at some point. Michael decided he liked her, even though she'd told him he needed to eat better when he joked about microwave meals. It was almost because of that, really.

_______

Lukes phone rang at two in he morning and he blinked groggily at the caller ID. He hoped it wasn't his mom calling to make fun of him about Michael again. 

He raised an eyebrow when he saw that it was Michael himself.

"Hello?"

" _Can I ask you something weird?_ " Michael asked. He sounded wide awake.

"You do anyway." Luke smiled and sat up, turning on the lamp by his bed.

" _How would one get inspiration for a color painting?_ "

"A wha- why are you pairing at two in the morning?"

" _Two in the morning? It's not- oh shit! I'm sorry, I swear it was nine thirty just a minute ago. Ugh. Shit_."

Luke laughed into the phone. "It's okay, I don't have anywhere to be. You haven't answered my question."

" _I have a project due and I can't paint with color for some reason_."

"Oh." Luke thought for a moment. "Well, people associate black and white with sadness. So I guess color could be things that make you happy. What makes you happy?" 

Michael was silent for a moment. " _I think I can do it. Thanks_."

"Okay. I'm going to bed." Luke laughed.

" _I'm really sorry. Thanks for helping me out_."

"You can call me any time of night," Luke said. "It sounds weird, but I actually like waking up because then I'm all comfortable and can go back to sleep leisurely."

" _You're such a weirdo_ ," Michael said fondly. " _Sleep well_."

"You too. And you'd better actually sleep or I'll cancel coffee with you tomorrow and I'll find your dorm and lock you in until you sleep."

" _Goodnight_ ," Michael laughed before hanging up. 

Luke smiled to himself and turned out his light.

_______

Michael woke up at 9:47 and almost went back to sleep before he remembered that he and Luke were having coffee at ten. He shot out of bed and scrambled around for his wallet and some clothes.

His canvas was on his easel, still drying from when he'd finished and gone to bed at about 6:30. Once he'd gotten inspiration, he knew he couldn't stop or he'd lose it.

He stopped to look at it. He was a little proud of it. The bottom of it was black with rough edges. The black faded and twisted into bursts of complimenting colors that twisted softly this way and that up to the top. He knew he'd be able to sell it if he put it up for sale, but he decided he wanted to keep it. It was too personal. He thought about what it meant and shook his head at himself before heading out.

When he'd first sat down to paint, all he'd been able to think about was his ex-boyfriend, so he'd drawn the black part at the bottom, shaping it almost like smoke. But when Luke had told him to think of something that made him happy, all he'd been able to think of was Luke himself. Luke made him forget everything that had happened before, he pushed away the dark parts.

Michael reached the coffee shop at 9:59, out of breath from running. Luke, being more than punctual, was already there, a beanie perched on his head and coffee in his hands.

Michael missed seeing Ashton at the shop when he got his coffee but Ashton had gone home for Christmas. Calum was gone too, but he'd promised to come up for the art competition. Michael hadn't told Luke or Ashton because his dad had called the day previously to let him know that he and his mum would be there, and he didn't want either of them meeting his parents. He knew they were coming to criticize his work and try to get him to switch majors.

Luke waved with a grin before he stopped with a concerned look on his face.

"You look awful. When did you go to bed?"

"Uhm...6:30?"

Luke glared at him. "I told you to get to bed soon after you called."

"I had to get it done!" Michael protested, sipping his coffee.

Luke rolled his eyes. "Why couldn't you do it today?" 

"I'd lose my inspiration."

"Well you'd better nap today," Luke told him sternly.

Michael rolled his eyes back at him but felt a fondness settle in his stomach. It was nice but frightening at the same time. He hadn't felt like that since- well, in a while. 

A while later he went home and took a nap on Luke's orders, though Luke later woke him up with a text and ended up calling him for an hour.

Michael didn't mind. Luke was hyperactive but he somehow made Michael feel calm inside.

_______

Michael glanced around the large room nervously.

"Maybe they aren't coming," Calum said hopefully. 

"I'm not that fortunate," Michael said gloomily.

"Where's your art?" Calum asked. "I want to go see it." He was bouncing up and down and it was making Michael twitchy, combined with the nervousness about seeing his parents.  

"Sure, let's go stand by it," he said, wondering if he could hide behind it. He hauled Cal over to where his art was. His black and white watercolor and his sketch were for sale, but the color canvas had a 'not for sale' sign on it. 

"Whoa. Those are- those are amazing, Michael." Calum whistled. "I'm have tempted to buy one myself. I love the colored one- why aren't you selling it?" 

"Um." Michael shifted awkwardly. "I spent five hours on it in the middle of the night. I'm a little attached to it."

"Artists," Calum snorted teasingly. "Luke and Ash are gonna love these."

"What?"

"I told Ashton about it and I guess he told Luke, so they're both coming."

"What?!" Michael paled. "Calum, they can't meet my parents! They'll be horrible to them!"

"They'll understand," Calum said, looking confused at Michael's horror.

" _You_ don't understand!" Michael felt a headache coming on. "My parents will do something horrible and they'll never want to see me again."

"Michael!" a high voice called. Michael flinched. His mother emerged from the crowd in her signature pencil skirt and blazer, high heels clacking on the floor and her jewelry clanking. His father wasn't far behind, looking quite stiff in his suit.

Michael felt uncomfortable in his plaid button up and jeans with boots.

"Hello, mum," he said, kissing her cheek politely. His parents both turned to stare at his art, gazes like hawks as they searched for complaints.

"These don't even look like anything," his father said immediately. Calum bristled.

"Now see here," he said, but was cut off as Luke and Ashton came up.

"Hey Michael!" Ashton greeted. Michael sighed. 

"Mom, dad, this is Ashton and this is Luke. Guys, these are my parents."

Michael's mother held onto Luke's hand and peered suspiciously at him. "You're the boy that kept texting Michael when I came to visit," she said accusingly.

"I'm...sorry?" Luke said awkwardly.

"Are you dating my son?" She asked. 

"You're still in your gay phase?" Michael's dad asked incredulously. 

"It's not a phase!" Michael cried. "Now can we talk about something else?" 

"Well, are you?" his mother asked Luke again. Luke appeared to be absolutely speechless at the strange treatment.

"Mom, let him go," Michael said, pulling Luke's hand from hers.

"I will not have a fag for a son!" his after burst out suddenly.

Several people around gasped and Michael looked like he'd been slapped. He felt tears pricking at his eyes.

Calum was shaking. He stepped in front of Michael's dad and stuck a finger in his face. 

"After all he's been through?" he demanded. "After all he went through, you abandoned him and now you're gonna _disown_ him? You don't get to do that. You don't get to dump Michael, because he's better than you. He's above all this pettiness and homophobia. So you can walk the fuck out of this building and never come back."

"How dare you-" Michael's father started. 

"Stop!" Michael was horrified to find that he was in tears. 

"You're leaving," his dad said sternly. "You're coming back with us and you can forget about this, this _faggot_."

He gestured to Luke, and Michael lost it. He flew forwards, hands clenched in fists, but Calum grabbed him. 

"How dare you!" Michael screamed at his dad. 

Calum yanked him back. "It's not worth it!"

"Let _go_ of me, Cal!" Michael tried to pull away.

"' _Cal?_ '" Luke repeated, and he was very pale. Michael ripped out of Calum's reach and stepped back. 

"I never want to see you again," he told his parents. Then he turned and ran out.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched the Good Girls music video and oh my god, Michaeeeeeel. Seriously, the babe is the best. I mean, don't get me wrong- I adore them all. I just feel like Michael is a different story. I feel a weird connection or something. I know, I'm cray. But Michael is da BAAAAAAAAAAAAAE
> 
> That rhyme was brought to you by ihadtoomuchcoffeetodaypleaseignoreme
> 
> Enjoy this chapter and feel free to fangirl in the comments.

Luke let his head fall back against the door. It was dark outside and he was worried sick about Michael. 

He'd been running around for _hours_. After Michael had run out, Calum had checked his dorm, only to find it empty. Calum, Ashton, and Luke had gone over the entire campus, taking turns calling Michael's phone. They'd all been freaking out a little, but Calum and Luke understood more than Ashton. 

Ashton and Calum were still out looking, but they'd sent Luke back to wait in case Michael came back. Luke suspected that it was because he'd been hyperventilating.

He couldn't help it. The diary had been Michael's all along and all those horrible, horrible things that had happened had happened to Michael. All of the entries that Luke  had cried over had been written by Michael. All the suicidal thoughts and cutting and the injuries from-

Luke covered his face in his hands and fought back the tears, sighing frustratedly. Where was Michael? It had been _hours_. 

It was uncomfortable on the floor, but Luke wanted to sit outside the door to wait for Michael so that he would see him sooner and god, he had better be okay. Luke would never forgive himself for not figuring it out sooner, for not _seeing_. 

A text from Ashton told him that they would be heading back in a few minutes, and Luke felt frustration again, and concern for Michael.

He heard slow, tired steps on the stairs and he shot to his feet, waiting expectantly, nervously. Michael didn't see him at first because his head was down, but he looked up after a moment and his eyes widened. They were red-rimmed and Luke's heart absolutely _broke_ for him. 

He looked like he was about to run off again, and Luke leaped forward.

"Michael- Michael, wait!"

Michael stopped, shoving his hands in his pockets and staring at Luke.

"What are you doing here?" He asked Luke.

"Waiting for you," Luke said, surprised by the question. "Cal and Ash are looking for you and I was- yeah, waiting for you."

"I thought you'd leave. Because..." Michael trailed off.

"What?" Luke asked softly.

"My dad- he- I thought you'd be angry." Michael's voice was barely above a whisper and he pulled his hands out of his pockets to rub his sleeves. Luke cringed at the motion, picturing what was underneath the fabric.

"Michael, I _am_ gay. I'm not offended at accusations of me being something I am."

"But he called you a- a-"

"I know." Luke sighed. "But your dad is someone separate from you, Michael. I know that, you know that. You're very different people."

"How do you know?" Michael whispered. He looked so vulnerable  and Luke hated it, hated seeing him like this when he should be happy, when he should be carefree.

Luke stepped forward instead of answering, glancing at Michael's wide eyes before taking his arm in his hands and tugging up the sleeve. Michael tried to pull away but Luke held on, gentle but firm.

" _Michael_..." he choked out. Michael looked ashamed. It looked pretty bad, and Luke quickly spotted several words carved into the skin that he'd read about in the diary. 

Michael finally tugged free and pulled away, arms wrapping around himself and shoulders hunching.

"Go," he said hoarsely. "Just leave."

"No," Luke said firmly.

"Leave! I don't want to see you! I don't want to hear-"

"Hear what?" Luke asked, feeling tears pricking at his eyes. 

"I'm a wreck," Michael said softly. "I didn't want anyone to know. I didn't want _you_ to know."

"I don't care, Michael. I'm not gonna leave you like this. And you're _not_ a wreck, you're just struggling, and you feel alone, and you think no one _really_ cares but they do! _I_ do."

"How would you know?" Michael asked bitterly.

Luke sighed. "A few months ago I found something in the street. It was this blue journal."

The blood rushed from Michael's face in an instant.

"You didn't read it. _Tell me_ you _didn't_ read it!"

Luke swallowed. "I read it. I couldn't find anything about who it belonged to. I kept digging through it, but the only thing I had to go on was someone named 'Cal.' I've spent the past few months wishing I could find whoever wrote it, looking for any sort of other clue. I never imagined that it was you, never considered the possibility. And it breaks my heart to know that it _was_ you."

Michael shook his head disbelievingly. "Why are you still here?"

"Because- because I care a lot about you, Michael. I really, _really_ like you."

"No, no, no. It doesn't work like that, I don't get-"

Luke stepped toward Michael and Michael backed away, shaking his head. 

"Don't get what?" Luke asked him, heart racing. 

"...you. I don't get you, or happiness, or anything, because I've screwed things up before. I can't- I'm no good for you, I'm _damaged_. Stop looking at me like that, it's true."

"You're not _damaged_ ," Luke said firmly. "You're strong and you're smart and you're everything I could want, but you're not _damaged_. You're just hurting."

Michael stared at him, confusion clouding his eyes. "I don't understand why you feel that way."

"Michael, I really, _really_ like you. I said it already, but I'll say it a thousand more times if I have to. And I want to date you, to be a shoulder for you to cry on, to be someone for you to tell everything you need to let out, to still be that person you call at two in the morning. If you don't feel the same way then I'll understand, but I want to be here for you either way."

"I can't-" Michael stopped himself.

Luke felt a little hope. "Do you- do you feel the same way?"

Michael was silent.

"Michael..."

"Yes!" he burst out. "I do, but it doesn't matter."

Luke stepped forward one more time and pulled Michael into his arms, holding him close and closing his eyes.

"It's okay to let go, Michael," he whispered, and soon Michael was shaking, his breath jerky as he cried on Luke's shoulder. "It's okay."

Luke didn't know how long they stood there, but eventually Michael calmed down. 

"It does matter," Luke told him. "Because _you_ matter. You matter a lot to me, in fact. And I don't want you to discredit that or yourself."

"I don't know what you're thinking," Michael said weakly. "This is such a bad idea."

"I think it's a great one," Luke said, and then he kissed him, soft and gentle, and Michael wrapped his arms around his neck to pull them closer together. 

"You're crazy," he told Luke as he pulled back a bit. Luke kissed his cheek.

"Crazy about you," he said with a soft laugh, and Michael snorted weakly. 

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore," he said. 

Luke bopped him gently on the nose. "Doesn't matter," he said. "I'll help you figure it out."

"I can be stubborn," Michael said.

"So can I," Luke told him. 

"I'll probably be clingy."

"I'm counting on it," Luke said with a grin. "What else?"

"I can be a drama queen at times."

"Oh, I do that too."

Michael giggled and then turned serious. "I'll probably have my darker days. And I can't just stop...cutting."

Luke pulled him close again. "I know," he said. "But it's okay. I'll be there with you."

"If you're sure you want-"

"Michael. I've even thinking about this since we first started calling each other. And when we first met face to face, I knew...I really, really want to stick around, okay? Don't try to push me away."

"Okay," Michael said, tightening his arms around Luke and resting his head on his shoulder. "...you're surprisingly comfortable."

"Surprisingly?"

"Well you look all bony-"

Luke poked Michael in the side and the other boy flinched away, giggling.

"Don't do that."

"Are you ticklish?" Luke laughed. Michael opened his mouth to answer, but Ashton and Calum ran up the stairs and into the hallway, stopping to stare at them.

"Michael!" Calum ran forward and tackled the other boy, clinging to him. "Where were you?" 

"I walked around a bit and then came back here and found Luke outside my door," Michael told him. "I'm sorry I freaked you all out. I needed to get away and think."

"I'm just glad you're safe," Calum said. "You look exhausted, by the way."

"Calum, why don't you go with Ash and I'll get Michael to bed," Luke suggested. Calum studied him for a moment. 

"Cal, he's fine," Ash said, and Calum finally nodded.

"Yeah, okay," he agreed. He and Ashton both hugged Michael again and then left. 

Luke took Michael's hand. 

"Come on," he said. "We have a lot of talking to do."

Michael was smiling when he followed him into the room. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can someone help clear something up for me? I know Michael does half of the vocals in Wrapped Around Your Finger, but is it Calum or Luke that does the rest? Every time I listen to it I decide it's one and then the other and I'm going crazy. Hell, it could be Ashton. I can't find it live anywhere and I feel like a sucky fan :(

When Michael woke up, the clock on his nightstand read 4:38. There was a pair of arms wrapped around his waist and a face buried in his shoulder and he felt...safe. 

He slowly remembered the evening before, and out of everything that had happened he kept thinking about his parents. Did they really want to disown him? Did he really want to see them again? He remembered all the efforts he'd made over the years and how nothing that had made him happy had made them happy, how the first thing he'd done for himself was accept the art scholarship.

He found that the tears were coming again, and he pulled his knees up to his chest, curling in on himself.

Luke shifted in his sleep and curled closer around Michael. Michael cried harder. After Jake, he didn't think he could do a relationship again without screwing it up, but god, did he want to. He wanted that with Luke so badly, and Luke wanted it too, but would it just destroy their friendship? What if he screwed it up? He probably would.

His shoulders were shaking and he felt like an idiot. He didn't know what to do, how to react to the past twenty four hours and everything Luke had said. 

"Babe, what's wrong?" Luke asked sleepily, leaning on an elbow to look at Michael. Michael covered his face in his hands. 

"I'm fine," he sniffled. Luke tugged gently on Michael's shoulder until Michael rolled onto his back.  

"It okay," Luke said softly. "It's okay to be sad, Michael." He pulled Michael's hands away from his face and Michael sighed. 

"I'm sorry."

"I said it's okay," Luke told him, laying his head on Michael's chest and curling his arms around him. "What's bothering you?" 

"I'm gonna screw this up," Michael said in a whisper.

"We both probably will at some point," Luke said. "But it's okay as long as we care enough to fix it, right?"

"I- I suppose so." Michael exhaled. "But I don't- I don't deser-"

"Michael Clifford!" Luke's head shot up and he leaned over Michael. "If you're going to say that you don't deserve me then you can just shut up, because that's bullshit. If you think about it, I haven't even known you that long- but what I know about you is enough to tell me what kind of person you are, what an _amazing_ person you are. Even what you wrote about the worst time in your life showed me that you don't give up on other people, that you can be strong, that you can handle heartbreak even though you shouldn't have to. And that's all amazing. It's all _you_."

"So you really want to give this a shot?" Michael asked.

"More than anything."

"I'm gonna try," Michael said, and he sat up, leaning against his headboard. He pulled his knees up to his chest and Luke moved to sit next to him. "And I'm gonna try really damn hard."

"Then we'll be okay," Luke said with a smile. Michael leaned his head on Luke's shoulder and looked out the window at the dark sky. 

"Dark things aren't always sad," he said softly.

"And sad things aren't always bad," Luke added, wrapping his arms around Michael's shoulders. 

_______

Luke awoke up and looked over at an unfamiliar clock. It read 10:43 and he sighed, rolling over sleepily. 

The bed was empty, which would he normal if he was in his own dorm room, but his morning memory was getting better and he remembered that Michael should be there. 

He hadn't exactly planned on sleeping in Michael's dorm when he'd waited for him the day before, and so he hadn't brought pajamas and had had to sleep in his boxers. He quickly found his clothes, folded neatly on a chair oddly enough, and looked around at the room.

The dorm was pristine. The shelves were all neat, the dresser was closed with no visible clothing, and the closet door was shut. There were two guitar stands, one with an acoustic, one with an electric, and on closer look, the bookshelves were actually alphabetically organized by author and title. 

What really drew his attention, though, was the corner by the two windows. Michael's dorm was on a corner of the building and had a window on either side of the corner. In between was a large easel that was covered in paint splatters and charcoal dust. There was a tray on the front of the easel with paints, charcoals, pencils, a cloth, and a cup of water, and set on the easel was a half finished painting. Luke felt as if he was looking in a mirror as he gazed at that painting. It was his own face, half of it still a sketch, the other half filled in with watercolors. It was a beautiful painting, arrogant as that seemed to be seeing as it was _his_ face, and Luke wondered if that was how Michael saw him, with that cheeky smile and those happy eyes. He supposed that maybe it was.

"Seems a little creepy thinking back on it," Michael said from behind him. "Especially now that you've seen it."

He came to stand next to Luke and Luke bumped his shoulder gently with his own. 

"I don't think it's creepy, I think it's an amazing painting. Is that really how you see me?"

Michael grinned. "Definitely. Spent a lot of time on that one."

His phone buzzed and he pulled it out of his pocket.

"Is that Ash or Calum?" Luke asked about the text. Michael shook his head and Luke shrugged, turning back to look at the painting.

There were stacks if paper and some canvasses lying aroundby the easel and Luke looked at the ones lying face up. Some were realism and some weren't, but they were all breathtaking.

"That was my art professor," Mchael said after a moment. "He was at the competition."

"Did he hear..." Luke trailed off. 

Michael shrugged. "Probably. He hasn't mentioned it yet, though, and he probably won't."

"Did you win anything?" Luke asked. 

Michael grinned again. "One of my paintings won the colored pairing category."

"That's great!" Luke beamed back. "These paintings are fantastic- I'd love to see them all sometime."

"Well my black and white painting and my sketch both sold, but I'll be picking up my color one later. I'll show it to you sometime."

"Do you want to go out for breakfast?" Luke asked. 

"Sure, I'll just get my shoes." 

Michael opened that closet and pulled out a pair of shoes. A glimpse inside showed Luke that the closet was just as organized as the rest of the dorm. The clothes even seems as if they might be color categorized. He frowned slightly and followed Michael out. 

_______

Calum and Ashton managed to not interrupt them until they'd finished a small breakfast at the coffee shop. 

Then they appeared out of nowhere and plopped down, Calum next to Michael and Ashton next to Luke.

"Are you doing alright, then?" Calum asked Michael in an undertone. "I'm sorry I screwed things up yesterday."

"You didn't screw things up," Michael told him. "I think I need to just let my parents go. If they really love me, thy can come back and just accept who I am."

"What about you and Luke?" 

"Did I hear my name?" Luke butted in teasingly. Michael rolled his eyes.

"Possibly. Oh! Have you and Calum met?"

"If you count a quick _hi_ , watching him hyperventilate, and then catching you snogging as meeting, then yes, we've met," Calum said.

Michael glared. "Rude. I've had to bear seeing you and Ash snogging."

"I haven't seen it yet," Luke piped up helpfully. "I wasn't supposed to meet Calum."

"We'll have to fix that, then," Ashton said, waggling his eyebrows. The two made to stand but Luke grabbed Ashton and Michael grabbed Calum and they sat them down firmly.

"Sit, stay," Michael ordered firmly. 

"Woof," Ashton answered. Luke was giggling next to him and Michael grinned at him. Calum was smiling and Michael knew he was feeling relieved.

_______

Luke spent the afternoon with his mom, and Michael had given him permission to explain some things to her. 

Luke showed up at his door at around six, though, and he brought pizza with him.

"Now you're just buying my affection," Michael joked, and Luke pouted. 

"Is it necessary to?" He asked.

"Not really, no. But feel free to keep trying."

Luke laughed and set the pizza down. "Okay."

"Come on," Michael said, grabbing his hand and pulling. "Come see my painting."

It was hanging on the wall near the easel and Luke stopped to stare at it. It was beautiful and it made Luke feel things he didn't know a painting could make you feel. It made him sad for a moment, then hopeful, then happy, and he turned to stare at Michael in wonder. 

"I don't even know how to describe it," he said. "Is this the one you called me at 2 A.M. about?"

"Yeah." Michael stepped closer to it and touched it lightly. "The black part is...all the depression and the past that felt like it was going to swallow me up. The colors are- they're everything you made me feel."

Luke felt tears well up in his eyes as he looked back at the painting. 

"So where they merge is where you made me want to fight it. It's where I decided that maybe I could do better than I thought," Michael continued. He turned to look back at Luke and looked surprised for a moment. "Are you...crying?"

"What? No," Luke sniffled, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. "...Maybe."

"I didn't think it was _that_ awful," Michael joked. 

"No, no, its amazing. I just- I love you."

Mchael looked taken aback. He stared at Luke for a moment. "You...love me?"

Luke wondered if there was a way he could rewind and unsay that. "Um...I'm sorry, I-"

He sort of just stared at Michael for a moment and Michael stared back. Then he turned and walked into the bathroom.

Luke followed him. "Michael- Michael, what are you doing?" 

He stopped in the doorway to see Muchael digging around. Something clattered to the floor and Luke saw that it was a razor blade. Then another landed near it and Luke realized Michael was throwing them onto the floor. 

A medicine container landed next to them and a small box hit the floor and flew open, more pills falling out of it. Luke just watched as another blade, three bloody cloths, and a pair of wickedly sharp scissors landed in the pile. 

He knelt and picked up the medicine bottle, recognizing the pills as sleeping pills. He set it down again and Michael sat on the floor next to him.

"What's all this?" Luke asked him softly. 

"It's what I've used over the years. Or- or thought about using," he said, gesturing to the pills. Luke didn't know what to say as he looked at the various items. They were things he'd read about in Michael's journal, but it was much harder to see them and know Michael had used them on himself. 

"So you thought about using the pills?" He asked, his voice barely a whisper. 

"Many times," Michael said. "But I remembered Calum's face that night." 

Luke knew what 'that night' meant and Michael knew he did. 

"It wouldn't have been enough forever," Michael continued. "I probably would have convinced myself that killing myself would make his life easier.  And I suppose that, in a way, it would. But I know he'd miss me and he'd constantly feel guilty and- well, I couldn't convince myself the same of you. I couldn't make myself believe that you would just forget and I don't even know why I couldn't."

He sighed. "So here we are, with everything laid out."

He seemed a little jittery and Luke wondered if he was fighting the urge to organize the pile, to lay the razors in a row with the scissors at one end, to put the pills back in the box. 

He didn't know what to say to him, so he laid a hand on Michael's shaking one. It stilled slowly and that reassured him. 

"What are we doing in here, then?" he asked after a moment. 

"You said you-" Michael's voice cracked. "You said you love me."

Luke sighed. "I didn't mean to scare you-"

"You didn't," Michael assured him hurriedly. "I'm- I'm getting rid of these. Because I...well, because I love you too. And that's more important. And if I'm going to love you right, I'm going to have to learn to love myself."

He stood up and collected the pile, careful not to cut his hands, and dropped everything into the wastebasket. Luke stood up and Michael wrapped his arms around him, resting his head on his shoulder.

"Come on," he said, "let's go watch something really stupid and laugh our asses off."


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for sticking around until the end! I hope you enjoyed this story. If you did, you should check out my other ones ;) I'm in the beginning of a chapter fic called [When You] Try So Hard.

Michael knocked on Calum's door nervously, shifting from side to side. 

He and Luke had talked for a bit and Michael had decided that he should tell Calum everything. Calum had seen a lot of what had happened to Michael, he knew about the abuse, and the time he almost died, but he didn't know about the scars on Michael's arms or the other times he'd almost died of his own accord. He thought that Calum deserved to hear the whole story. Luke was explaining a bit to Ashton, too, so he wasn't out of the loop, and Michael wondered if he was going to feel bare after this, like all his secrets were out in the open. Most of them would be.

Calum opened the door looking a little concerned. 

"Come on in," he said, and Michael went in, shoving his hands in his pockets. "What did you need to talk to me about?"

Michael sat down on the floor and Calum followed suite, still watching him with concern written on his face.

Michael sighed. "I haven't been entirely honest with you the past few years."

Calum's eyebrows went up but he remained silent, knowing Michael would keep talking. 

"I mean, I know you knew about the things I went through and that I wasn't exactly okay, but you never really knew how deep the struggle went, for me." Michael's lip trembled and he cursed in his head. "I..."

Words failed him and he fell silent for a moment. Then he held his arm out, balancing it on his knees and tugging up the sleeve, revealing the white lines running up and down his arms, horizontal and diagonal, overlapping. 

He looked down for a moment, and he didn't hear a sound at first. Finally he turned to look at Calum, and saw that his best friend had tears in his eyes. 

The other boy tentatively reached out a hand and ran his fingers over the lines, stopping over the fairly new ones that were red and scabbed. 

"When did it start?" Calum asked, and it sounded as if it was hard for him to speak. 

"Before- before I ended up in the hospital." Michael rolled his sleeve back down and wrapped his arms around himself. "It wasn't just that, I..." he sighed again. "Sometimes I wished that I _had_ died that night."

There was a sharp intake of breath beside him but Michael went on. "Sometimes I thought about doing it myself. It sounds so pathetic, but it wasn't just because of him, it was also my family and all of the pressure. My dad used to call me and just argue with me. The first thing I really did for myself was take the art scholarship and even then...it was hard. My parents were on my case all the time, which I guess you know."

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and when he turned, Cal pulled him into a tight hug. 

"I'm sorry," he told Michael, sniffling a bit. "I should- should have seen it sooner. You told me some, so I guess I thought you'd told me everything and- I'm just so sorry..." 

Michael felt terrible as Calum started crying on him.

"I was so worried!" Calum cried. "You stopped talking to me and your parents were so fucking awful and I just didn't know what to do- I wanted to help-"

"You did help!" Michael insisted. "I'm still around because of you, right? I never would have gotten out of that house if you hadn't come in and found me, and even if I had, I probably would have- well, I _know_ would have ended up killing myself anyway. I never _really_ felt alone because I always knew I could talk to you about anything."

Calum wiped his eyes with his sleeves and laughed a little. "That makes me feel a bit better," he said. "Why- why did Luke freak out so much after you argued with your parents? I mean, he was hyperventilating and he said something about knowing, but I don't know what he knew or how."

Michael laughed softly. "I kept a diary for a few years and I threw it out one day because I wanted to move on. Luke found it in the street before we met and couldn't find any sort of identification in it. So he, uhm, he ended up reading it. He didn't figure out it was mine until the argument with my parents  when I said your name. I never put my name in my diary, but your name was in it, and Luke sort of put the pieces together. I guess he thought that maybe I'd try to kill myself before you all could find me."

Calum sat in silence for a moment. "But you're just...better now?"

"I'm not all the way better. It's still gonna be hard. But Luke- I don't know, somehow he was helping me even before we met face to face. And I don't want to belittle how you helped me- you did more for me than I would ever ask- but it's different with Luke. Like, you helped me stay alive, but Luke helped me _live_." 

"No; I get it." Calum didn't seem at all upset about what Michael had said. "From what little I observed and from what you've told me about Luke, he seems really good for you. And I hope you're not scared about trying with someone new, because it's been a while and I think this will help you move on more than anything."

"Thank you, Calum," Michael said softly, and Cal grinned at him. 

"Any time, Michael. Let me know if you need to talk to someone other than Luke."

"I'll still talk to you," Michael laughed. "Luke likes you and Ash is his best friend."

Calum fake-swooned. "Ashton..."

"I hate you," Michael said extremely unconvincingly.

_______

"Are you okay?" Ashton asked Luke. Luke ran a hand over his face. 

"Not really, no. Do you remember that diary I found?"

"Luke..."

"It's Michael's." 

Ashton's eyes widened and he took a step back in shock. " _Michael's?_ But- all that shit- then he..."

"Yeah. It was all stuff he went through." 

Ashton sat down next to Luke and wrapped an arm around him. "I'm sure he's doing better though," he said reassuringly. "Isn't he? It's been a while, and you said a big problem was that he was almost alone. But he obviously started talking to other people because we're all his friends now. And I'm sure Calum was around to help him."

"Yeah, he's- he's doing better than he was before. I'm just worried. But he threw everything out, the...razors and things."

"See?" Ashton said. "We'll all be here for him, okay?"

"Thanks, Ashton," Luke sighed. "I'm actually going to go meet him for lunch now. But I'll tell him what you said."

Michael- _I love you_

you- _I love you too- so, so much_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of hugging and tears, but it's oveeeeer! 
> 
> I love you guys. Stay classy, peeps. \m/


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